this beer tastes like vomit already
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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