If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
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So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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