Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
