Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We're too hungover to prance.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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