HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
