dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
