i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
