I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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