im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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