So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
