the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
