I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
