At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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