you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
