My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
