Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
