Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's blow job season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize