i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
