Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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