You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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