I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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