I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
