Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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