If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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