Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
