I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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