Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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