Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
