He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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