First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
