Pappa wants mamma naked
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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