I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
