my mouth tastes like poor choices
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
