I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
