How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
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