history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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