I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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