Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
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Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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