That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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