I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
