he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
