i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
