So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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