I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
