i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
