You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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