i don't plan on having that self control this summer
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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