I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
