So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The Olympian is in my bed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize