Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
