I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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