who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
