We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
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If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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