I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
