i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
